There is nothing wrong with not knowing who you are
There is nothing wrong with not knowing who you are
It is not some unwritten sin
It is not a broken mirror in which to stare
It is nothing to hold your tongue to
Or medicate away
There is nothing wrong with not knowing who you are
Even the weather changes through the day
There is no followed metronome
No faults
No memorized prayer
There is nothing wrong with not knowing who you are
You are not written like a book
Or painted from a single canvas
Nor balanced like some perfect zen
Or worth just like everyone else
There is nothing wrong with not knowing who you are
There is no rule to follow
No category you must fill in
You have your own two legs to sidestep
You can be different every minute if you wish
And you do not need to be criticized
Or try to fix what others say is wrong
You can cry when you have no reason
You can wish when you have no hope
You can laugh when all is silent
You can breath when fear is stuck down your throat
There is nothing wrong with not knowing who you are
Not a single little thing
Sometimes when I am lost I look for poetry. Today, I searched for a poem about confusion and found the above. It is worth knowing who you are. But we spend so much time telling ourselves and others that this is a static thing. We tell ourselves that our problems would be fixed if only we knew FOR SURE how to define ourselves.
But, it is not a sin to not know, and it is ok to change your mind (as long as you are also OK with others changing theirs :) ).
I have been working on reconnecting to journaling per my mentors recommendation. A piece of paper says to me, “Write your to do list!” A blog says to me, “Write something honest.” I have no idea but at some point in my life I moved my inner thoughts from my journal to my public blog.
Perhaps, it is an attempt to ask others- “Who am I?” and have them help me define it…
Honestly, I keep thinking about my life having a reset button that has been pushed multiple times. I just turned 37 and I often wonder if others also feel like they have reset their lives multiple times too. You orient yourself on a path feeling fairly confident or even very confident in it, then a wall, a detour, a downed tree, a dead deer, a stalled vehicle, etc. appears… and you realize you’re out of gas and need to refill in a few miles or you will be dead on the highway.
Usually when this has happened I have found a way to continue creating. So in this current, fairly extended period of creating myself anew, I have flailed around trying things on but have not committed to a path because what if I have to pivot again? I worry. I worry about the unexpected that is yet to come. The problem with this thought is that without committing, there is no getting back on a track when you get off of it because you have no specific destination in mind.
So.
Today I commit to being mom. I commit to being my mommy self that is a pillow for my 19 month old’s head, a safe space for him when he is scared, an entertainer when he is bored, and a food-machine when he is hungry or thirsty. Tomorrow, I may commit to something else. But I will take this journey a day at a time and wherever I land, there I am.